Memorable Life Stories

The "Real" You Only Shows Up When You're Dead

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 08:10:23 GMT

We don’t show people who we really are - what we leave behind tells a greater story

No-one ever knows us fully when we’re alive. They only see the carefully curated persona we reveal to them. It’s once we’re no longer here, that people piece together the segments of our life and create a new version of us. What they come up with can be completely different to our own idea of who we are.

The belongings we leave behind, the personality traits we exhibit, and the secrets that surface, all come together to create a whole, new identity. That’s our legacy – a reconstructed and ever-evolving mosaic of items, memories, and stories that have made an imprint on the world.

The Things We Leave Behind

Have you ever wondered what people will make of the jar of pickled onions that’s been in your fridge since 1997 , your display of coloured rocks from the beach, or your underwear joyfully folded in Marie-Kondo style? What about the box of cards and letters you’ve kept since the age of 10, or the stash of 200 paper grocery bags filling the corner of your garage?

On a creative level, people leave behind artwork, writing, beautifully designed homes and gardens, inventions, and eclectic craftwork that others will ponder over for years to come.

The things that are missing from our home also have a tale to tell. It’s hard to imagine how a person lives their life without tomato sauce in their house. And what about the risk-takers who don’t keep spare packs of toilet paper or AAA batteries?

It’s interesting and amusing for people to come across these items, or lack of, but it’s the bigger themes that can have people wondering if they ever truly knew you!

The Versions of Us

We inhabit different personas in each area of our life – work, religion, sport, hobbies, social (close and outer circles), family roles (child, spouse, parent etc.), and so on. No one will ever see ALL of our personas, unless they shadow us 24/7. We create these personas on both a conscious and unconscious level to help us adapt to social and cultural conventions, and to manage the tasks we’re fulfilling. We also need the personas to help us maintain our own emotional well-being.

The woman who has everyone at work thinking she’s boring, repressed and lonely may be a talented drummer in a band, and the chattiest person in her large, friendship group.

The fun guy at work who’s everybody’s buddy may be competitive and aggressive in his football team, sullen and withdrawn at home with his partner, and empathic and affectionate with his children.

We don’t always have a choice of which roles we play, nor freedom within those roles. What we wear to work, the way we talk to people on higher and lower rungs, and the amount of work we need to get done, is usually pre‑determined.

In our personal lives, most people tend to fit within the usual pattern of finding a partner, settling down together, and forming a family. It’s expected that chores, finances and decisions are shared, and that they’ll strive to meet many common goals.

Social media gives us an opportunity to experience personas far distant from our real lives – we hear about catfishing, keyboard warriors, trolls, or those simply wishing to play a character they feel unable to embody in their everyday life. The photos, comments, and selective storytelling people share, add another dimension to the mosaic that forms them.

Keeping ourselves emotionally safe plays a large part in the makeup of our personas. Will we be loved and accepted if people know certain things about us? Apart from the odd person who wears their heart on their sleeve, most of us have inhibitions based on a fear of getting hurt. We feel safe and loved with the people closest to us – we can be ourselves and show our vulnerabilities, yet still know that they’ll support us.

When it comes to interacting with people outside that inner circle, we’re more reserved. It’s easier to hold back, compartmentalise, and show others only the parts of our life that we feel safe in. Sometimes, we even create red herrings to throw others off track.

This is where secrets come in ...

Our Secret and Hidden Parts

What about unknown friendships and relationships? Technology now lets us experience relationships and communication that can stay fully private and hidden on our devices. We don’t need to receive physical mail that could fall into the wrong hands, and we don’t need to receive a call on the family phone-line or leave the house to hang out with people.

Our personal writings in diaries or scribbled on bits of paper may portray our unexpressed feelings, desires and beliefs, and of course some of our deepest secrets. And what assumptions will people make when they read old letters and cards we’ve kept?

The New and Improved You

People who became posthumously famous probably had no idea that the ordinary life they were living, filled with self-doubt, tragedy and lack of fulfillment would lead to them being celebrated decades or centuries later. We reconstruct pieces of their life and they become whatever we imagine. Emily Bronte, Nikola Tesla, Freda Kahlo, and Vincent Van Gogh are legends in our minds, but were possibly far from it in their own minds. And what we think we know about them, could be far from the truth.

The fun part for you is when people from all the segments of your life get together and talk about you once you’re gone. There’s a different atmosphere because they can now talk about you freely – and a larger picture starts to form. In this new environment where you are gone and previously separate groups of people meet, the piecing‑together of the mosaic begins. Your various personas naturally come to light as people tell heart-warming stories and share memories. Questions are asked and some secrets are revealed, because you can no longer be hurt or upset by them.

When it’s time for the eulogies, a great sharing of different perspectives and experiences opens new doors of understanding and learning, forging new memories that incorporate a fuller version of you. When we hear a meaningful and entertaining story about someone, even though we didn’t experience it, it gets stored in our memory files and contributes to the image we hold of them. Our memories change each time we recall them, because our brain reconstructs the information and aligns it with our current environment of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. In the same way, we each have different perspectives of shared experiences, as the information flows through our own belief filters before we reach our personal conclusion. We’ve all experienced someone recalling an event that we were present at, and it’s so different to what we remember that we think they’re deluded!

The personal conversations and asides that continue to come out as time passes, add to our mosaic. There’s no timing or forethought involved – they come out willy-nilly and can be eye-opening. A family-friend I hadn’t seen for years randomly shared a recollection with me. She said that whenever my dad visited them, he would announce his arrival by walking up their driveway singing very loudly. Her kids would go running to their bedrooms and close their doors. She was shocked when I laughed and told her I’d never heard of him doing that. She had thought he did that to everyone, and was touched to realise it was a special thing he did only for them.

Sorting through someone’s house and personal belongings adds another dimension to the new persona. The interpretations we make of the unknown belongings, uncovered secrets, and new parts of the person’s life that we become aware of, will always be weighed up against our recollection of events and statements they made during their life.

The jury is out on how authentic the new version of us will be. Every person will construct a different, ever-changing mosaic, and it will always be informed by their own feelings, beliefs and filters.

And does it really matter? Probably not, because you won’t be here. The only consideration is that the unveiling of your secrets could hurt those you love.

 As a final thought, once you’re gone, make sure you keep an eye out on Earth because you could become the stuff of legends. Your life’s work could end up being part of a famous exhibition, you could have a statue erected in your honour, or your creations will have your name rolling off people’s tongues for centuries to come. Even if you think you are ordinary ...

For more information about eulogies and tributes , OR if you want the help of our guidebook to create a meaningful and memorable eulogy, click the link or button.

To join our community and be notified of our new blog articles and resources on eulogies, life stories and moving forward after loss, click the link or button.

What Grief Reveals About Your Inner Circle of Friends

Tue, 11 Nov 2025 11:52:39 GMT

How much is too much to expect from your friends?

Grief makes you feel shaky, and cloudy, and lost, and unsure. Your world doesn’t make sense anymore, and you can’t imagine that things are ever going to be okay again. You need something steady to hold onto, and that’s where your friends step in – for normality, for distraction, to hold space for you, or for a hug. A number of studies show that receiving support from friends plays a large part in easing the symptoms of grief. But what is reasonable to expect from your mates? And what can you do about those that aren’t measuring up?

What Do You Really Need When You’re Grieving?

In the midst of your grief, your needs can change from day to day – or even hour to hour. Sometimes, you just want someone who’ll listen and give you a shoulder to cry on, (without platitudes like ‘time will heal’, or ‘it was for the best’). Other times, you might want a mate to hang out with, whether it’s sitting together in front of the TV, having a laugh, or heading out for a drink. Or maybe it’s a friend popping in, to make sure you’re doing all right and to give you a hug. Good friends stay with you even when it’s not easy or fun, and they pick up the pieces when you’re shattered, but also, they provide the comfort and stability of the past, when things were normal.

If you’re worried about breaking down in front of your friends, or bringing them down with your sadness, or being a burden, stop worrying – that’s what friends are for! Your inner circle needs to be there for you even when things are uncomfortable or difficult. And sharing vulnerability with each other is how friendships grow and deepen.

When Friends Fall Short

Unfortunately, not everyone steps up when you’re grieving. Some mates might go quiet, not answering your calls or messages, or even looking away when they happen to see you. Others avoid talking about your loss, so it seems awkward to bring it up, leaving you feeling hurt and rejected. Some friends might not show up for important moments, like the funeral or wake, and that absence can really sting. If you’ve supported them during their hard times, it’s an even bigger blow.

Why Friends Might Not Show Support

It’s normal to feel hurt or even angry when friends let you down, but there are reasons behind their behaviour. For some, your grief brings up their own pain or fears that they don’t want to face. Others might not know how to give support, or they worry that they’ll say the wrong thing and make you feel worse. Some mates simply don’t feel like they’re up to the task, or – harsh as it is – they might not want to extend beyond the good times with you.

What Can You Do?

Before making the decision to wipe friends from your life, it’s worth giving them a chance by telling them what you need. Let them know if you want some company, a chat, or even a distraction. Sometimes, they just need a nudge to know how to help. Have a think about which friends are the best for each situation, then go ahead and ask. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic conversation – keep it simple and casual:

“Do you want to come over for a movie and a beer? I need a break from everything.”
“Can just the three of us go out for dinner? I don’t think I can cope with everyone at the moment.”
“I don’t feel like being at home – do you have time for a coffee and a chat?”
“I feel a bit crappy today – I need some fun. Do you want to go and check out that new winery?”

Could you be at fault?

If you’ve had a light-bulb moment and realised you weren’t there for your friends when they were in a bad place, don’t let that get in the way. Often, it takes personal experience to realise what grief and other hard times are about. If those friends are still around, it’s a chance to ask them for support and also acknowledge that you weren’t there for them. Explaining why can clear tension and lead to a closer bond.

Choosing your best allies

Grief can be a lonely place because we all experience it so differently and our needs change so often. Ultimately, you can’t expect your friends to meet all your needs when you’re grieving – there are lots of times when you have to go it alone. But the times when they’re around to support you are sweet, and it doesn’t matter whether you have lots of friends or a few, it’s the support you receive that matters. Lean on your inner circle:

For more information about eulogies and tributes , OR if you want the help of our guidebook to create a meaningful and memorable eulogy, click the link or button.

To join our community and be notified of our new blog articles and resources on eulogies, life stories and moving forward after loss, click the link or button.

3 Tips for Making a Eulogy Memorable

Sat, 12 Oct 2024 03:43:56 GMT

How to get people to listen to your eulogy, enjoy it, and remember it

Eulogies of old

Sigh

“Trevor – sorry – Travis, was a loving father to his three children: Chloe, Luke and uh Judy, oh, Julie. He was a hard-working man who never missed a day of work and he provided well for his family. Add in what his friends from ... – [hmmph/cough]. Trevor’s friends from work described him as friendly, always on time, and not one to cause any trouble. He will be sorely missed by his wife and children …”

This is the sort of eulogy you could have ended up with two or three decades ago, and you may still sometimes hear eulogies that sound a bit like this. Eulogies used to be formal, solemn speeches where the person’s major life events were listed in chronological order, and they would be praised for being a wonderful spouse, parent, worker, and all-round good person. The speaker was often an older male from the family, or a celebrant reciting information he'd gathered from the family and filled into a template.

These days, eulogies are a lot more free-flowing and casual, giving people an opportunity to remember or honour the person who has died, by giving an interesting and balanced talk about them – in their own style . Most places where funerals or memorials are held, even many religious spaces, now allow you to choose how many eulogies you would like to present, and who presents them – opening the door to honest and entertaining send-offs. Hearing eulogies from a number of people makes for a richer life-celebration, giving the listeners a wider and more interesting view of the person’s life through varied perspectives and peeks into different parts of their life. Everyone listening is bound to learn something new.

The three tips below will get you started on creating a memorable eulogy!

One – you both need to be yourselves

You

I f you’re not used to writing or giving speeches, you’re like the majority of the population – and unless you’re a funeral celebrant you probably haven’t presented many eulogies. Don’t be concerned, as no-one expects you to be a professional speaker. In fact, your eulogy will be so much better if you speak in your regular, natural style, using the words you would normally use. If you're a gesturing person, allow your hands free rein, too. The audience will connect with you more when you express your personality, and when they hear your stories and experiences around the person who has died.

Let your personality shine through, although keep in mind the expectations of the venue – a church steeped in historical tradition may not appreciate the light cussing or edgy sentiments that a more modern church or funeral parlour would be okay with.

Your spelling and grammar skills will not be a problem , since you will be speaking in a conversational way and no-one but you will see your spelling. So, as long as you can read out what you’ve written, that’s all that matters. Make sure you type up your eulogy though, in case you need help reading it out at the last moment – it’s hard to know whether you will be overcome with emotion on the day. However, the more you practise reading your eulogy out loud, the less likely that is, since your emotional reactions typically lessen each time you practise.

Them

The person who has died will be more memorable when they are described in their true, three-dimensional form, rather than an incomplete, yet perfect person. Everyone has times during their life or on any given day, when they may express qualities that can be seen as difficult or not-so-fun. Our mix of traits make us who we are, and we can still be loved and lovable. Presenting a balanced view of who they were makes for a more relatable and memorable eulogy. Through telling stories, you can include traits such as being stubborn, being critical, being argumentative, and so on – all common, human traits.

Two – tell stories

Everyone’s life is interesting if you know how to find some good stories. Putting your message across by telling stories rather than listing facts is a way of getting people interested, keeping them intrigued, and helping the message or point make sense to them. When all of those elements are in play, they are very likely to absorb and remember your eulogy – it will make an impact on them.

You probably have some memories that capture an aspect of the person, in the form of a video or picture that pops into your mind. Perhaps when you think of your grandad, you remember him sitting on the garden bench in his backyard and pointing out a bird to you, quietly telling you its name. Think about which personality traits the story would demonstrate if you told it: he loved nature, he was gentle and observant, he spent time with you, and he taught you things. Another strong memory may be your grandpa arguing with your grandma because he didn't like a new outfit she'd bought and he wanted her to return it. This may show that it was really important to him that she looked good, or it may show that he could be controlling and bossy. Forming your memories into a story will get people's attention. As you describe a scene, they will form a picture of it with their imagination, and figure out the character traits for themselves. It makes a much greater impact than simply stating that your grandpa was gentle, spent time with you, and loved nature.

The memories that pop into your mind first, will help you work out what the person's main character traits were, or the aspects of them that stood out or meant the most to you.

Another way to come up with stories is to do some brainstorming. Mind-mapping is a great way to do that. You can start off with the person's name as the main point and jot down what comes to mind, adding more points as one thought leads to another. You may find that stories or images come to mind as you think of each point. See the example below. (If you want to learn more about mind-mapping, there is a lot of information available online.)

If you need some more inspiration for eulogy stories, look at the everyday items the person surrounded themselves with , as this can tell you a lot about their personality, their beliefs and their way of life. Here are some examples of what you could conclude by looking at them, their habits, and their environment.

If they carried a huge hand-bag full of practical items ... They liked to be prepared and comfortable? They were neat and organised? They were anxious and needed to feel in control? They liked to be helpful to others?
If their clothing was expensive ... They liked luxurious things? They wanted to be seen as well-to-do? They were wealthy? They loved fashion? They liked to express their individuality? They bought long-lasting, quality items to aid in environmental sustainability?

Once you have decided on the character traits you want to portray, you can then come up with stories that demonstrate those traits. You will find that a story often covers more than one trait, which is handy because you are likely to have a time limit to fit your eulogy into and you may have a lot that you want to say.

Three – be entertaining

Including some humour in a eulogy is a great way to add lightness to an event that is often bathed in sadness.

There are a few ways you can do this:

Funny stories

Most people have had funny things happen during their life. Sharing laughter and funny moments with others may have been some of the most joyous times they experienced. Telling the listeners funny stories creates happy memories for them to hold onto, and later recall. Life is not all joyous moments, but it's a lot more pleasant to remember the good times.

If the person who died was a humorous character, you will no doubt have a lot of material to share, with stories of the funny or crazy things they said and did.

Jokes

Include jokes if they have some relevance and meaning in the eulogy, and are not likely to offend anyone present. Keep in mind that often you don't know who may turn up to a funeral, and there are likely to be people you don't know very well, or at all. (Often ceremonies are videoed and live-streamed, too.) Anecdotes or famous quotes to do with the person's character, or about death, are another way to inject humour. I wrote a limerick about my dad for his eulogy – I felt that it was appropriate since he was always a jokester himself.

Your presentation

If you're one of those people who is naturally expressive and speaks in an ironic or humorous way, don't try to hold it back. It will probably help everyone relax.

Props can be useful as well – you could show an item that belonged to the person, or if impractical, display a photo of it. Sometimes an item is funny in itself, it could have a funny story attached, or it could say something funny about their personality.

As we all have different experiences, memories, perspectives and personalities, no-one will ever put together the eulogy that you can.

Be yourself and show them as their true self
Tell stories to demonstrate points about them
Be entertaining and celebrate their life

Best wishes – you'll be great!

For more information about eulogies and tributes , OR if you want the help of our guidebook to create a meaningful and memorable eulogy, click the link or button.

To join our community and be notified of our new blog articles and resources on eulogies, life stories and moving forward after loss, click the link or button.

Memorable Life Stories

The "Real" You Only Shows Up When You're Dead

We don’t show people who we really are - what we leave behind tells a greater story

The Things We Leave Behind

The Versions of Us

Our Secret and Hidden Parts ﻿

The New and Improved You

What Grief Reveals About Your Inner Circle of Friends

How much is too much to expect from your friends?

What Do You Really Need When You’re Grieving?

When Friends Fall Short

Why Friends Might Not Show Support

What Can You Do?

Could you be at fault?

Choosing your best allies

3 Tips for Making a Eulogy Memorable

How to get people to listen to your eulogy, enjoy it, and remember it

Eulogies of old

Sigh

One – you both need to be yourselves

You

Them

Two – tell stories

Three – be entertaining

Funny stories

Jokes

Your presentation

Our Secret and Hidden Parts