How much is too much to expect from your friends?
Grief makes you feel shaky, and cloudy, and lost, and unsure. Your world doesn’t make sense anymore, and you can’t imagine that things are ever going to be okay again. You need something steady to hold onto, and that’s where your friends step in – for normality, for distraction, to hold space for you, or for a hug. A number of studies show that receiving support from friends plays a large part in easing the symptoms of grief. But what is reasonable to expect from your mates? And what can you do about those that aren’t measuring up?
What Do You Really Need When You’re Grieving?
In the midst of your grief, your needs can change from day to day – or even hour to hour. Sometimes, you just want someone who’ll listen and give you a shoulder to cry on, (without platitudes like ‘time will heal’, or ‘it was for the best’). Other times, you might want a mate to hang out with, whether it’s sitting together in front of the TV, having a laugh, or heading out for a drink. Or maybe it’s a friend popping in, to make sure you’re doing all right and to give you a hug. Good friends stay with you even when it’s not easy or fun, and they pick up the pieces when you’re shattered, but also, they provide the comfort and stability of the past, when things were normal.
If you’re worried about breaking down in front of your friends, or bringing them down with your sadness, or being a burden, stop worrying – that’s what friends are for! Your inner circle needs to be there for you even when things are uncomfortable or difficult. And sharing vulnerability with each other is how friendships grow and deepen.
When Friends Fall Short
Unfortunately, not everyone steps up when you’re grieving. Some mates might go quiet, not answering your calls or messages, or even looking away when they happen to see you. Others avoid talking about your loss, so it seems awkward to bring it up, leaving you feeling hurt and rejected. Some friends might not show up for important moments, like the funeral or wake, and that absence can really sting. If you’ve supported them during their hard times, it’s an even bigger blow.
Why Friends Might Not Show Support
It’s normal to feel hurt or even angry when friends let you down, but there are reasons behind their behaviour. For some, your grief brings up their own pain or fears that they don’t want to face. Others might not know how to give support, or they worry that they’ll say the wrong thing and make you feel worse. Some mates simply don’t feel like they’re up to the task, or – harsh as it is – they might not want to extend beyond the good times with you.
What Can You Do?
Before making the decision to wipe friends from your life, it’s worth giving them a chance by telling them what you need. Let them know if you want some company, a chat, or even a distraction. Sometimes, they just need a nudge to know how to help. Have a think about which friends are the best for each situation, then go ahead and ask. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic conversation – keep it simple and casual:
- “Do you want to come over for a movie and a beer? I need a break from everything.”
- “Can just the three of us go out for dinner? I don’t think I can cope with everyone at the moment.”
- “I don’t feel like being at home – do you have time for a coffee and a chat?”
- “I feel a bit crappy today – I need some fun. Do you want to go and check out that new winery?”
Could you be at fault?
If you’ve had a light-bulb moment and realised you weren’t there for your friends when they were in a bad place, don’t let that get in the way. Often, it takes personal experience to realise what grief and other hard times are about. If those friends are still around, it’s a chance to ask them for support and also acknowledge that you weren’t there for them. Explaining why can clear tension and lead to a closer bond.
Choosing your best allies
Grief can be a lonely place because we all experience it so differently and our needs change so often. Ultimately, you can’t expect your friends to meet all your needs when you’re grieving – there are lots of times when you have to go it alone. But the times when they’re around to support you are sweet, and it doesn’t matter whether you have lots of friends or a few, it’s the support you receive that matters. Lean on your inner circle:
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